Losses

Everyone knows the feeling of losing someone who meant the world to someone. So did I make these experiences several times. So often, which left scars behind in my soul....

I've noticed that I am a vulnerable person and I gave many people the chance to hurt me. I fought for friendships, which were not even meant to be. I fought for people, who don't even deserve my kindness. My loyality. My support. Still I cared a lot for them.  Knowing deep down this wasn't right. But still I invested my time and energy for those false friendships. 

I always believed the good things in people. I never wanted to highlight even a negative character of my former friends. Unitl...they left me. Unitl I noticed "wow this feeling of pain you could have avoid...". But as I am, I've been to sensitive. Sometimes, no even many times in a destructive way. A way which really pulled me down. Allthough I knew "this wasn't right how they treated me" I felt guilty. I gave myself the fault for the end of those friendships. I questioned myself if I didn't make any mistake or if I am not the reason for the end of a single former friendship. Reminder: deep down I knew I did nothing wrong apart of being honest to my friends. Apart of fightig for them. Was that the reason why they left me? Because I wanted to be just a real friend. Was I so annoying? What could I have done to avoid this situation? So many questions on my mind and so many things I question still a lot. I confrontated my friends with their behaviour. I asked them what might be right in a friendship, is there any solution to fix our problems?- chased them did I, yes I did...Senseless 

I expressed my feelings. I cried- was angry, shouted. Not at them. But inside my heart I was screaming. I felt lost. I felt I alwayays had to justify myself in every single way. It was like a pressure. A pressure which made me become mad. This pressure was sucking all my physical strength. Until I became lost. Those people who hurt me, had won. They broke me in every possible way. I was broken. I hated myself. I couldn't look at the mirror without feeling disgused. I was a living in a dead body. Physically alive but mentally dead. So I lived with this conditions for months. Crying and feeling helpless. That time was probably one of the worst time of my life..

Questions like "who am I?" , " where do I even want to go?" , " do I even want to be still alive?" Yes even that question was one of my questions. By that time..well.. I perceived life in a different way.  I was numb. Nostalgic, to be precised.. As I've mentioned more dead than alive.

Kowing people who caused this mental disorder. Because I wanted to be perfect for everyone but not for myself. I didn't care about myself. So long other people accepted me, only then I felt truly fulfilled.-What a dumb thought. But yes so it was. So I lost my self for many years. I didn't really know myself and I did not want to really make an effort to know me as a truly individualism. No I was rather one of many.  Knowing I regreted my decision. After a long trip of up's and eventually more down's..
But now I'm picking up my broken peaces. Trying to put them all to together-together like a mosaic. Mysterious, weird and  not clare. But I'm still fighting with my demons..demons still exiciting in the deepest corner of my soul and my self reflection..