Chronical
My destiny since day one. A sickness, which made me who I am. A warrior.
It is not easy to live daily in pains. No matter if there are less or strong. I cannot remember a day living without being in pain. First of all, I thaught the physical pain was the worst. Pains as if someone is stabbing a knife into my bones. Pains that made me not to breath easily. Pains that made me to cry for hours. Pains so strong , that I had to be transported by an ambulance to the hospital. Pains so strong, that I received strong medication. Medication that made me notious...Several times being in a hospital. Sometimes five times in a year.
But it is the psychological side effect, that was the morst terrifing part. Being aware that my sickness disabled me kind of. Not being able to do apropiate sports since almost six years. This disability hurt me a lot because I wasn't able to walk normal. When I walked, I was most of the time in pains. One of my worst experiences was when a person insulted me because of my disability. " Did your mother not teached you how to walk, or why do you walk like a cripple?". When I read that question on the plattform " ask.fm", I cried a lot. Eventhough I did not know who sent me that question, I felt hurt. Since then I was really unconfident person. I did not believe in myself again. Constantly being in pain lead to a break down. I remember in the 11th grade, after writing an exam I was physically in pain again. By that moment I was tired. Tired of being exhausted through the pain. Tired of all negative consequences of my sickness. I cried. I cried in front of my sister and my teachers. Basically I did not care that I teared up in school. I just had enough. By that time I wished I was just a normal human being without pains. Without having a physically disadvantage. I just wanted to do sport like a normal person. Sports like dancing, which is my passion. I just wanted to walk long distances without having pains. I just wanted to survive a winter without having pains caused through the cold. I was simply tired of my sickness and its consequences. So I cried a lot.
Many weeks later I realised this destiny is a lifetime task, which I have to deal with. As a child, a reenager, an adult, as a wife or as a mother. This sickness will be always a part of my life. I accepted the fact that there is nothing that can be changed about this. So I started to highlight all the positive aspects of my constanty fight with myself. Eventhoug I was often in hospital I made the effort to do my homeworks and to prepare for my exams. God gave me the power and strength to bear all these pains, in general: these tough times. I am proud how far I have come. I remember in class 9. I decided to talk about my sickness in biology. So with 16 years I talked alone about my sickness in front of my class. In front of 31 faces. 31 faces with a different mindset, a different soul. 31 people where some of them bullied me, back in the days when I was in 7th grade. Still I took that decision and that is worth being proud of. I am proud how strong I am. Being able to bear all my pains. No matter how often I cried, no matter how often I dealt with suicidal thougths according my sickness...I never gave up till now. So yes, call me a fighter, call me a conquerer. I am warrior!
It is not easy to live daily in pains. No matter if there are less or strong. I cannot remember a day living without being in pain. First of all, I thaught the physical pain was the worst. Pains as if someone is stabbing a knife into my bones. Pains that made me not to breath easily. Pains that made me to cry for hours. Pains so strong , that I had to be transported by an ambulance to the hospital. Pains so strong, that I received strong medication. Medication that made me notious...Several times being in a hospital. Sometimes five times in a year.
But it is the psychological side effect, that was the morst terrifing part. Being aware that my sickness disabled me kind of. Not being able to do apropiate sports since almost six years. This disability hurt me a lot because I wasn't able to walk normal. When I walked, I was most of the time in pains. One of my worst experiences was when a person insulted me because of my disability. " Did your mother not teached you how to walk, or why do you walk like a cripple?". When I read that question on the plattform " ask.fm", I cried a lot. Eventhough I did not know who sent me that question, I felt hurt. Since then I was really unconfident person. I did not believe in myself again. Constantly being in pain lead to a break down. I remember in the 11th grade, after writing an exam I was physically in pain again. By that moment I was tired. Tired of being exhausted through the pain. Tired of all negative consequences of my sickness. I cried. I cried in front of my sister and my teachers. Basically I did not care that I teared up in school. I just had enough. By that time I wished I was just a normal human being without pains. Without having a physically disadvantage. I just wanted to do sport like a normal person. Sports like dancing, which is my passion. I just wanted to walk long distances without having pains. I just wanted to survive a winter without having pains caused through the cold. I was simply tired of my sickness and its consequences. So I cried a lot.
Many weeks later I realised this destiny is a lifetime task, which I have to deal with. As a child, a reenager, an adult, as a wife or as a mother. This sickness will be always a part of my life. I accepted the fact that there is nothing that can be changed about this. So I started to highlight all the positive aspects of my constanty fight with myself. Eventhoug I was often in hospital I made the effort to do my homeworks and to prepare for my exams. God gave me the power and strength to bear all these pains, in general: these tough times. I am proud how far I have come. I remember in class 9. I decided to talk about my sickness in biology. So with 16 years I talked alone about my sickness in front of my class. In front of 31 faces. 31 faces with a different mindset, a different soul. 31 people where some of them bullied me, back in the days when I was in 7th grade. Still I took that decision and that is worth being proud of. I am proud how strong I am. Being able to bear all my pains. No matter how often I cried, no matter how often I dealt with suicidal thougths according my sickness...I never gave up till now. So yes, call me a fighter, call me a conquerer. I am warrior!
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